that's a hard question to answer for more than one reason. also I'm not exactly impartial. I was in love with him for a long time. I don't think I still am, it's hard to say.
it's not just that, though. he's a ridiculously slippery person while always being strictly honest and honourable. it's a very tiresome juxtaposition.
and Missy's been tangled up with him a lot longer and tighter than I got away with. that tends to have a depressive effect on the ego.
don't be sorry darling, this is stuff you need to know. it's only hard for me because a. there's so bloody much history and b. he never tells anyone what he's really doing, thinking or planning so it's really all conjecture.
he does do his best, I'll give him that. my major problem with that is an irritating habit of assuming he knows what's best without consulting anyone. which probably pisses Missy off about ten times as much as it does me.
and it pisses me off a lot.
when we first met she mentioned him first and I shut it right down. I didn't think it was safe for us two to talk about him and I don't think I was wrong. we've both of us spent too much time orbiting around him and i was buggered if we were going to keep doing that without him even here.
[He thinks carefully about his reply, because it is stuff he thinks he needs to know, but he's always found 'people you love' to be a hard subject. It's the sort of thing he wants to repay in honesty.]
The type of power he has makes me uncomfortable, because of my world in general. It's not entirely fair that Missy doesn't set off the same things, just because I expect...the worst.
It's also not entirely fair to be uncomfortable because I know that in different circumstances, he sounds like the sort of person I
Follow. [Clancy and his dreams for what's best and everyone else who Nico clings to because their burning conviction provides warmth he can't find in himself.]
I think you're right about it being a topic that probably wouldn't be safe. Especially not then.
technically he hasn't got anything Missy and i don't have. but he has this ridiculous charisma. he's someone the entire multiverse seems to bend around, and that's not me still in love wih him. that's just how he is.
he's not a bad person to follow. none of his companions ever seem to regret it - the ones still capable of expressing an opinion, anyway.
That makes sense to me. It's much easier to be angry at people you care about for how they treat other people you care about, than for how they are with you.
At least for me. It's more straightforward. Even if the fields are different.
it's true. i found it unsettling as hell when people were protective of me. I don't feel like i'm worth it.
it took me a while to learn to handle it with grace. to really believe that i'm as entitled to love as anyone else is.
or, well, at least learn to act like it.
I don't think the Doctor ever meant to hurt me. I don't actually think he had any idea he was doing it. Time Lords generally don't have a problem with feeling entitled to things and he's utterly true to type there.
which at least speaks well to my social chameleon skills.
Time Lord society seems set up to make people feel better than others, so entitled to be seen a certain way, and so doesn't provide a lot of social training on how to deal with other people. At least in the 'upper' class.
It's hard to shake the things you don't notice are part of how you were raised.
It's hard to shake even the things you do notice. When it comes to self-worth.
i wasn't raised among them so i got good at faking it. the Doctor ran away, wanted nothing to do with them but he's a Prydonian Lord to his bone marrow - much, much more than he's aware of and I think also maybe more than Missy?
he dragged a lot of responsibilities with him when he ran and he's never put them down.
I think she could make more of a separation, because she stayed longer in places. That offers something different than just jumping from place to place.
In their specific cases, that wasn't a good thing for the places/people she was around, but it's still an important split. [He's not going to share stuff she's told him, but Iris is from the same universe, the destruction caused isn't a secret.]
hmmm. i never got the sense that her past selves got particularly attached to places, but i daresay you don't need to get attached to absorb a sense of how things are done there.
she's a lot better at people than the Doctor. idk if that's innate or acquired but she is.
Not attached in a personal sense, I don't think, but wanting to control a place is a type of connection. It's also a semi-rejection of what Time Lords are supposed to do.
You don't have to live among people to rule them, but I think it's still a different type of relationship than if you just jump in to... save them.
she's always been more thorough and more detail-oriented than the Doctor, and yes: the point each of them wanted to make about Gallifrey was a very different one. and she was much more committed to rubbing rejection in their collective face.
what's even the point of love if it doesn't hurt? i'm here for it regardless.
it's a weird kind of mental dissonance because I've always felt all her other incarnations were dicks. i don't know whether it's because she's changed or because i have.
it really really does. looking at her's like champagne bubbles up my nose. only less spillage and not quite as much looking like a fool.
she doesn't even have to love me back. i'm just so happy she's here.
i know this boat has changed me a lot. it's only been five years. that's an absurdly short time from my perspective but everything here happens so much faster. it's two lifetimes in barge years.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:03 pm (UTC)what are your feelings on what weapons and tools she should have?
specifically, can I make her a sonic probe and/or a staser
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:18 pm (UTC)Better to have something known, that can be accounted for.]
Sure.
It can be good to get that sort of stuff from people you care about.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:21 pm (UTC)thank you so much, Nico. you've been very good for her.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:27 pm (UTC)It's nice to be able to do stuff for people.
[He hesitates for a few more moments before sending the next text. He's not sure it's a fair question to Iris, but it's for Missy.]
Would you mind telling me a bit more about the Doctor? I have stuff from the file and the network, but I know my perspective isn't entirely fair.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:36 pm (UTC)that's a hard question to answer for more than one reason. also I'm not exactly impartial. I was in love with him for a long time. I don't think I still am, it's hard to say.
it's not just that, though. he's a ridiculously slippery person while always being strictly honest and honourable. it's a very tiresome juxtaposition.
and Missy's been tangled up with him a lot longer and tighter than I got away with. that tends to have a depressive effect on the ego.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:38 pm (UTC)Not when it's mostly not even about him.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:46 pm (UTC)he does do his best, I'll give him that. my major problem with that is an irritating habit of assuming he knows what's best without consulting anyone. which probably pisses Missy off about ten times as much as it does me.
and it pisses me off a lot.
when we first met she mentioned him first and I shut it right down. I didn't think it was safe for us two to talk about him and I don't think I was wrong. we've both of us spent too much time orbiting around him and i was buggered if we were going to keep doing that without him even here.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:59 pm (UTC)The type of power he has makes me uncomfortable, because of my world in general. It's not entirely fair that Missy doesn't set off the same things, just because I expect...the worst.
It's also not entirely fair to be uncomfortable because I know that in different circumstances, he sounds like the sort of person I
Follow. [Clancy and his dreams for what's best and everyone else who Nico clings to because their burning conviction provides warmth he can't find in himself.]
I think you're right about it being a topic that probably wouldn't be safe. Especially not then.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:08 pm (UTC)he's not a bad person to follow. none of his companions ever seem to regret it - the ones still capable of expressing an opinion, anyway.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:16 pm (UTC)Even if you don't like it. There are people who feel like they have more weight on the world, and so the lines warp around them like a black hole.
I'm not sure I'd follow that far. It's probably the regrets, I wouldn't know where to walk without them.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:20 pm (UTC)I'm ridiculous. he's hurt me a lot but right now I'm angry with him for how much he's hurt her. And she was at least on a level playing field there.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:54 pm (UTC)At least for me. It's more straightforward. Even if the fields are different.
Re: [private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 07:02 pm (UTC)it took me a while to learn to handle it with grace. to really believe that i'm as entitled to love as anyone else is.
or, well, at least learn to act like it.
I don't think the Doctor ever meant to hurt me. I don't actually think he had any idea he was doing it. Time Lords generally don't have a problem with feeling entitled to things and he's utterly true to type there.
which at least speaks well to my social chameleon skills.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 07:15 pm (UTC)It's hard to shake the things you don't notice are part of how you were raised.
It's hard to shake even the things you do notice. When it comes to self-worth.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 07:43 pm (UTC)i wasn't raised among them so i got good at faking it. the Doctor ran away, wanted nothing to do with them but he's a Prydonian Lord to his bone marrow - much, much more than he's aware of and I think also maybe more than Missy?
he dragged a lot of responsibilities with him when he ran and he's never put them down.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:14 pm (UTC)Especially if you're an individualist.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:24 pm (UTC)[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:38 pm (UTC)In their specific cases, that wasn't a good thing for the places/people she was around, but it's still an important split. [He's not going to share stuff she's told him, but Iris is from the same universe, the destruction caused isn't a secret.]
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:46 pm (UTC)she's a lot better at people than the Doctor. idk if that's innate or acquired but she is.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:49 pm (UTC)You don't have to live among people to rule them, but I think it's still a different type of relationship than if you just jump in to... save them.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:56 pm (UTC)gods help me, i love her so
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:00 pm (UTC)And better here than somewhere without the same sort of hope.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:10 pm (UTC)it's a weird kind of mental dissonance because I've always felt all her other incarnations were dicks. i don't know whether it's because she's changed or because i have.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:18 pm (UTC)I think both of you have probably changed, at least a little. People seem to.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:26 pm (UTC)she doesn't even have to love me back. i'm just so happy she's here.
i know this boat has changed me a lot. it's only been five years. that's an absurdly short time from my perspective but everything here happens so much faster. it's two lifetimes in barge years.
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