[He thinks carefully about his reply, because it is stuff he thinks he needs to know, but he's always found 'people you love' to be a hard subject. It's the sort of thing he wants to repay in honesty.]
The type of power he has makes me uncomfortable, because of my world in general. It's not entirely fair that Missy doesn't set off the same things, just because I expect...the worst.
It's also not entirely fair to be uncomfortable because I know that in different circumstances, he sounds like the sort of person I
Follow. [Clancy and his dreams for what's best and everyone else who Nico clings to because their burning conviction provides warmth he can't find in himself.]
I think you're right about it being a topic that probably wouldn't be safe. Especially not then.
technically he hasn't got anything Missy and i don't have. but he has this ridiculous charisma. he's someone the entire multiverse seems to bend around, and that's not me still in love wih him. that's just how he is.
he's not a bad person to follow. none of his companions ever seem to regret it - the ones still capable of expressing an opinion, anyway.
That makes sense to me. It's much easier to be angry at people you care about for how they treat other people you care about, than for how they are with you.
At least for me. It's more straightforward. Even if the fields are different.
it's true. i found it unsettling as hell when people were protective of me. I don't feel like i'm worth it.
it took me a while to learn to handle it with grace. to really believe that i'm as entitled to love as anyone else is.
or, well, at least learn to act like it.
I don't think the Doctor ever meant to hurt me. I don't actually think he had any idea he was doing it. Time Lords generally don't have a problem with feeling entitled to things and he's utterly true to type there.
which at least speaks well to my social chameleon skills.
Time Lord society seems set up to make people feel better than others, so entitled to be seen a certain way, and so doesn't provide a lot of social training on how to deal with other people. At least in the 'upper' class.
It's hard to shake the things you don't notice are part of how you were raised.
It's hard to shake even the things you do notice. When it comes to self-worth.
i wasn't raised among them so i got good at faking it. the Doctor ran away, wanted nothing to do with them but he's a Prydonian Lord to his bone marrow - much, much more than he's aware of and I think also maybe more than Missy?
he dragged a lot of responsibilities with him when he ran and he's never put them down.
I think she could make more of a separation, because she stayed longer in places. That offers something different than just jumping from place to place.
In their specific cases, that wasn't a good thing for the places/people she was around, but it's still an important split. [He's not going to share stuff she's told him, but Iris is from the same universe, the destruction caused isn't a secret.]
hmmm. i never got the sense that her past selves got particularly attached to places, but i daresay you don't need to get attached to absorb a sense of how things are done there.
she's a lot better at people than the Doctor. idk if that's innate or acquired but she is.
Not attached in a personal sense, I don't think, but wanting to control a place is a type of connection. It's also a semi-rejection of what Time Lords are supposed to do.
You don't have to live among people to rule them, but I think it's still a different type of relationship than if you just jump in to... save them.
she's always been more thorough and more detail-oriented than the Doctor, and yes: the point each of them wanted to make about Gallifrey was a very different one. and she was much more committed to rubbing rejection in their collective face.
what's even the point of love if it doesn't hurt? i'm here for it regardless.
it's a weird kind of mental dissonance because I've always felt all her other incarnations were dicks. i don't know whether it's because she's changed or because i have.
it really really does. looking at her's like champagne bubbles up my nose. only less spillage and not quite as much looking like a fool.
she doesn't even have to love me back. i'm just so happy she's here.
i know this boat has changed me a lot. it's only been five years. that's an absurdly short time from my perspective but everything here happens so much faster. it's two lifetimes in barge years.
the things that have hurt me worst here have never been the ones you'd think. it's still awful when someone you love gets killed but by heck it's a lot less awful when they can laugh with you about it later.
getting killed myself is at worst annoying.
i didn't have any idea how badly i wanted a home and family till I found them here.
that's the case for a distressing number of passengers. it makes sense. most people aren't born in circumstances where they can control very much of their environment, in any world.
it's the first home i've actually ever had. Barring my bus, and really that's been more like a set of clothes I travel in. it's not big enough to be a place on its own terms.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
timeasmymeasure
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 05:59 pm (UTC)The type of power he has makes me uncomfortable, because of my world in general. It's not entirely fair that Missy doesn't set off the same things, just because I expect...the worst.
It's also not entirely fair to be uncomfortable because I know that in different circumstances, he sounds like the sort of person I
Follow. [Clancy and his dreams for what's best and everyone else who Nico clings to because their burning conviction provides warmth he can't find in himself.]
I think you're right about it being a topic that probably wouldn't be safe. Especially not then.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:08 pm (UTC)he's not a bad person to follow. none of his companions ever seem to regret it - the ones still capable of expressing an opinion, anyway.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:16 pm (UTC)Even if you don't like it. There are people who feel like they have more weight on the world, and so the lines warp around them like a black hole.
I'm not sure I'd follow that far. It's probably the regrets, I wouldn't know where to walk without them.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:20 pm (UTC)I'm ridiculous. he's hurt me a lot but right now I'm angry with him for how much he's hurt her. And she was at least on a level playing field there.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 06:54 pm (UTC)At least for me. It's more straightforward. Even if the fields are different.
Re: [private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 07:02 pm (UTC)it took me a while to learn to handle it with grace. to really believe that i'm as entitled to love as anyone else is.
or, well, at least learn to act like it.
I don't think the Doctor ever meant to hurt me. I don't actually think he had any idea he was doing it. Time Lords generally don't have a problem with feeling entitled to things and he's utterly true to type there.
which at least speaks well to my social chameleon skills.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 07:15 pm (UTC)It's hard to shake the things you don't notice are part of how you were raised.
It's hard to shake even the things you do notice. When it comes to self-worth.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 07:43 pm (UTC)i wasn't raised among them so i got good at faking it. the Doctor ran away, wanted nothing to do with them but he's a Prydonian Lord to his bone marrow - much, much more than he's aware of and I think also maybe more than Missy?
he dragged a lot of responsibilities with him when he ran and he's never put them down.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:14 pm (UTC)Especially if you're an individualist.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:24 pm (UTC)[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:38 pm (UTC)In their specific cases, that wasn't a good thing for the places/people she was around, but it's still an important split. [He's not going to share stuff she's told him, but Iris is from the same universe, the destruction caused isn't a secret.]
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:46 pm (UTC)she's a lot better at people than the Doctor. idk if that's innate or acquired but she is.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:49 pm (UTC)You don't have to live among people to rule them, but I think it's still a different type of relationship than if you just jump in to... save them.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 08:56 pm (UTC)gods help me, i love her so
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:00 pm (UTC)And better here than somewhere without the same sort of hope.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:10 pm (UTC)it's a weird kind of mental dissonance because I've always felt all her other incarnations were dicks. i don't know whether it's because she's changed or because i have.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:18 pm (UTC)I think both of you have probably changed, at least a little. People seem to.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:26 pm (UTC)she doesn't even have to love me back. i'm just so happy she's here.
i know this boat has changed me a lot. it's only been five years. that's an absurdly short time from my perspective but everything here happens so much faster. it's two lifetimes in barge years.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:35 pm (UTC)[He knows exactly what that feels like. Well, the part about just being happy someone's there, without needing to be loved back.]
I've only been here for almost two years, but that's a very long time for me, even if the barge wasn't everything it is.
It's the longest I've ever been somewhere without getting really hurt.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:46 pm (UTC)getting killed myself is at worst annoying.
i didn't have any idea how badly i wanted a home and family till I found them here.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 09:57 pm (UTC)It's much better than home.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 10:05 pm (UTC)it's the first home i've actually ever had. Barring my bus, and really that's been more like a set of clothes I travel in. it's not big enough to be a place on its own terms.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-16 10:12 pm (UTC)I've had a lot of homes, I guess. I think that's why the barge doesn't feel like a home.
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-17 09:13 am (UTC)I know nearly nothing about your life but I get the feeling the latter applies?
[private text]
Date: 2018-10-17 04:16 pm (UTC)I don't know if I ever had particularly deep roots.
[private text]
From: