"There are," he agrees, since that's....mostly what he meant. He pauses for a moment.
"You know how pressure valves work, on machinery," he says, and hopes he's not getting his vague memories of invariant gas mechanics completely wrong. "The barge is - too small, and the pressures are too constant, to just avoid people and let things subside. And understanding your feelings is like - having more gauges to look at, and a little bit of a release all on its own. If you don't let yourself look at them, you can't begin to find safe ways to have them. If there's no pressure valve - that when you get meltdowns."
He wonders if he's making even the slightest bit of sense.
"I know sometimes it's not safe even to look. I know how much that - feels like it's true always and everywhere. But that changes based on conditions. And here, I think, it's less safe to not look. In the long run."
The metaphor makes sense, but while it fits, it doesn't quite line up. Which isn't the sort of thing Nico says and he seriously considers just leaving it.
He nods his understanding - because he does understand what Jedao means, which makes it...truthful, and is quiet as he eats the warmed up rice. He doesn't really taste any of it but semi-mechanically eating food is an escape from talking that he's used a lot.
He would really prefer to leave it there, he would've preferred not to have any of this conversation but there's still the problem and the chance someone could get hurt and so many patterns mixing together - he becomes more consciously aware of the fact he's pulling at his hair with his free hand.
"I, uh, look at my feelings. Sometimes I don't know if I could manage to not look at them, I have to watch my own patterns. It's just -" Safe ways to have them. That's what he can't find.
"Do you remember the ceremony on the space station, when we were there? Writing things down, and then destroying it? It doesn't seem like it should do anything, but it does. It feels different from just thinking. And it can be safer than talking to a person. Or just easier. But anything that - that leads outside your head, can make the endless cycles quieter. Siphon them off, a little."
Jedao honestly doesn't have a lot of experience with expressing feelings instead of transmuting them into a psychic singularity made of doom and fire, but.
"Sometimes I used to find ways to tell the hardest truths to people I knew wouldn't believe me. It helped, putting the words - out."
The ceremony doesn't loom large in his memories of the space station but he'd heard of it. He has a hard time believing anything written can truly be destroyed enough someone can't find it, but he could understand the release.
"I would do that, sometimes. Not with...secrets but with all the stuff that's in my head."He makes an abortive motion with his hands, he doesn't quite know how to express the endless rush of information, how little he can control it sometimes. "It was easy, sort of, because people never believed me. But it happened." Not that most people believed him then, either, but he gets why Cassandra had been the one hurt.
"It's easier to - do something about, after you've said it. Even if that only means putting it on a shelf and getting it to stay."
He finds a pan to wash, but of course the Roci doesn't have anything like a sink, just a scour drawer. Jedao stars at the offending implement.
"And - I can't promise to not believe you. But I promise I'll always listen, and I won't tell. There are places I can put things in my head where even I don't remember them." Whether Nico ever takes it or not, the offer is there.
He listens carefully. It's a nice offer, though he has a hard time imagining ever taking Jedao up on it. On the other hand, he's having a hard time imaging that he's even having this conversation, while he's actually having it.
At least there's another topic that he can grasp at.
"Do you think it's, uh, okay to help someone forget things? If they ask you to?"
He manages, barely, not to tense up. Forgetting things. He can't - it's not - he didn't think there was a topic he'd be worse equipped for.
"I think. It can be okay," he says slowly, very carefully, forces himself not to think only about himself, about the rawness of the Admiral's silence, about everything he doesn't know -
"If they ask you to, and if they want to, are not - always the same things. And I would. Try to make sure I knew they coincided. If it were me."
"It's definitely what he wants, because he thinks it will achieve a goal. I don't know. Sometimes I think it would be nice not to remember everything and that's a lot smaller scale."
"She could remove memories. It wasn't...precise, but she only did it on purpose a few times." With training, it might have been different, but that was a training the League didn't want to give and he doesn't think Ruby would've wanted.
"Yeah. Though better than if someone like Martin had had it." He looks down at his shoes a moment. "It's...hard. And the stuff they would say didn't make it better. Being Green or Blue - the others...a tool you're told you should be killed for, doesn't help with any sort of balance."
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timeasmymeasure
Re: Spam
Date: 2018-02-16 11:15 pm (UTC)"You know how pressure valves work, on machinery," he says, and hopes he's not getting his vague memories of invariant gas mechanics completely wrong. "The barge is - too small, and the pressures are too constant, to just avoid people and let things subside. And understanding your feelings is like - having more gauges to look at, and a little bit of a release all on its own. If you don't let yourself look at them, you can't begin to find safe ways to have them. If there's no pressure valve - that when you get meltdowns."
He wonders if he's making even the slightest bit of sense.
"I know sometimes it's not safe even to look. I know how much that - feels like it's true always and everywhere. But that changes based on conditions. And here, I think, it's less safe to not look. In the long run."
Re: Spam
Date: 2018-02-17 04:51 pm (UTC)He nods his understanding - because he does understand what Jedao means, which makes it...truthful, and is quiet as he eats the warmed up rice. He doesn't really taste any of it but semi-mechanically eating food is an escape from talking that he's used a lot.
He would really prefer to leave it there, he would've preferred not to have any of this conversation but there's still the problem and the chance someone could get hurt and so many patterns mixing together - he becomes more consciously aware of the fact he's pulling at his hair with his free hand.
"I, uh, look at my feelings. Sometimes I don't know if I could manage to not look at them, I have to watch my own patterns. It's just -" Safe ways to have them. That's what he can't find.
Spam
Date: 2018-02-24 04:16 pm (UTC)Jedao honestly doesn't have a lot of experience with expressing feelings instead of transmuting them into a psychic singularity made of doom and fire, but.
"Sometimes I used to find ways to tell the hardest truths to people I knew wouldn't believe me. It helped, putting the words - out."
Spam
Date: 2018-02-24 04:26 pm (UTC)"I would do that, sometimes. Not with...secrets but with all the stuff that's in my head."He makes an abortive motion with his hands, he doesn't quite know how to express the endless rush of information, how little he can control it sometimes. "It was easy, sort of, because people never believed me. But it happened." Not that most people believed him then, either, but he gets why Cassandra had been the one hurt.
Spam
Date: 2018-02-25 07:07 pm (UTC)He finds a pan to wash, but of course the Roci doesn't have anything like a sink, just a scour drawer. Jedao stars at the offending implement.
"And - I can't promise to not believe you. But I promise I'll always listen, and I won't tell. There are places I can put things in my head where even I don't remember them." Whether Nico ever takes it or not, the offer is there.
Spam
Date: 2018-02-28 10:38 pm (UTC)At least there's another topic that he can grasp at.
"Do you think it's, uh, okay to help someone forget things? If they ask you to?"
Spam
Date: 2018-03-02 01:41 am (UTC)"I think. It can be okay," he says slowly, very carefully, forces himself not to think only about himself, about the rawness of the Admiral's silence, about everything he doesn't know -
"If they ask you to, and if they want to, are not - always the same things. And I would. Try to make sure I knew they coincided. If it were me."
Spam
Date: 2018-03-02 02:12 am (UTC)He scrapes the floor with one shoes.
"You talked with Ruby."
Re: Spam
Date: 2018-03-02 02:30 am (UTC)He knows Nico knows this; it's a very basic strategic loop. But it is worth - the focus, of saying aloud.
"Once, yes. Why?"
Re: Spam
Date: 2018-03-02 02:34 am (UTC)Spam
Date: 2018-03-03 10:39 pm (UTC)Spam
Date: 2018-03-03 11:42 pm (UTC)