"Not rice. Not steamed." Not that texture. He remembers Jude sharing a cup of applesauce not long after they'd met. He's not sure if they'd ever even had applesauce in the labs, but the texture had left him sick without any words to offer an explanation. Everything had been too close, then. The distance he'd built in the months that had come after seems to have crumbled, he just has to believe it can be rebuilt. "Crackers, if it's okay...?"
"Yeah, of course. We've got slightly sweet crackers, salty crackers, cheesy crackers, and nothing crackers," he announces, standing up to dig through the small crate of supplies he dragged in earlier. They are, of course, graham crackers, saltines, cheezits, and water biscuits respectively.
"Nothing crackers would probably be good?" He assumes that means lack of flavor, and a lack of sensory stimulation sounds the easiest to handle, at the moment.
"Nothing it is." He puts the sleeve of water biscuits - so named for containing nothing but flour and water - on the bed between them, and offers Nico a plain, round white cracker to nibble.
He takes the cracker, managing almost five before even that much effort becomes too much.
He slumps down, turning a water biscuit in his fingers a moment before accidentally dropping it when his coordination slips. "They're good." They're simple, and when the world seems full of too much texture and too bright colors, sometimes it's nice to have - simple. It's a retreat, of sorts, but better than some,
He blinks, not quite trying to jolt himself into alertness. Maybe this time he'll be able to actually sleep fully. He knows that's good, even if it's hard to remember he'll probably wake up again. "I don't think the food on Gallifrey is very good. But there's probably something. Are reminders always bad?"
"Reminders - of people?" he asks, not entirely sure he's following, catching the dropped cracker and offering it in case Nico wants to try finishing it.
"I don't know. People come with food, I guess - but that's thinking my level of technology. Places, maybe." He looks a bit blankly at the cracker, thinking of his own reactions to sense memory. "Sometimes it's all bad. Maybe not always."
"Not always," Jedao confirms, sounding perfectly confident about it despite being more confused than before, connecting the words and Nico's black pensive reaction to the cracker only ten, fifteen seconds later.
"Or maybe something from another planet. There are so many." He rubs his eyes. "I don't know if she enjoyed them. So much travel. Power. But you can still be locked away from it all." He's sympathetic to the idea, underneath the build up of fear and mistrust, he's always tended toward empathy. There's part of him that's uncomfortable - a type of resentment, he knows he could let build too much - with Time Lords and their powers (their freedom).
Jedao wonders if he should tell Nico to stop talking, but he isn't coherent enough that Jedao is actually learning anything new and compromising about Missy.
"There are so many," he agrees, vaguely philosophical. "And - sometimes people enjoy things because if they let themselves suffer, they wouldn't get anything done." Travel and power and entrapment - he doesn't know what they mean to Missy, but to him they mean threading a constant needle, striding on thin rails above the abyss of his own horror and bitterness until he finally stumbled. Sometimes everything goes together, good and bad.
"We haven't visited any. Just the moon. There are pictures." Maybe, someday, the people of his world will travel out among the stars. It might change how they see the universe. He has a hard time believing it'd really make anything better.
"Sometimes, it'd be better if people didn't get things done. But mostly not. I think it's why we're good at not suffering. Changing stuff in your head so it's okay. At least for a while." He doesn't know where he'll come down, if he ever reaches a future with choices. So far, there'd mostly either been nothing or orders to follow. "Do you have a favorite food?"
"I don't think about food a lot, except for wanting to get people enough of it. But...maybe steamed eggs. When I was little I'd bring the eggs fresh from the henhouse every morning, and my brother would cook them, with scallions and mushrooms, they'd set silky and warm."
Bright and hearty at once, somehow, Jedao and Nidana arguing about the sesame seeds, and Ro ignoring them both.
"There's never enough food." That's always true, even as the experiments meant he didn't feel hungry. Except it's not true. He remembers scrambled eggs, worse in taste and texture even then at school.
He thinks about steamed eggs, the shadows of the words. A childhood on a farm. A brother cooking, a family that's only memory.
"I'm sorry." He's sincere in sentiment, even if the reason is lost in his jumbled thoughts.
And that's a good thought to fade away on, even if it can't keep the nightmares away. He can't quite grant trust, but at least it can be true within parameters.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2018-08-13 11:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-13 11:57 pm (UTC)"Any of those sound better to start with?"
no subject
Date: 2018-08-14 12:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-14 12:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-20 04:16 am (UTC)He slumps down, turning a water biscuit in his fingers a moment before accidentally dropping it when his coordination slips. "They're good." They're simple, and when the world seems full of too much texture and too bright colors, sometimes it's nice to have - simple. It's a retreat, of sorts, but better than some,
He blinks, not quite trying to jolt himself into alertness. Maybe this time he'll be able to actually sleep fully. He knows that's good, even if it's hard to remember he'll probably wake up again. "I don't think the food on Gallifrey is very good. But there's probably something. Are reminders always bad?"
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 04:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 05:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 05:56 pm (UTC)He knows how to live with the double feeling.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 06:39 pm (UTC)"There are so many," he agrees, vaguely philosophical. "And - sometimes people enjoy things because if they let themselves suffer, they wouldn't get anything done." Travel and power and entrapment - he doesn't know what they mean to Missy, but to him they mean threading a constant needle, striding on thin rails above the abyss of his own horror and bitterness until he finally stumbled. Sometimes everything goes together, good and bad.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 07:21 pm (UTC)"Sometimes, it'd be better if people didn't get things done. But mostly not. I think it's why we're good at not suffering. Changing stuff in your head so it's okay. At least for a while." He doesn't know where he'll come down, if he ever reaches a future with choices. So far, there'd mostly either been nothing or orders to follow. "Do you have a favorite food?"
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 07:35 pm (UTC)Bright and hearty at once, somehow, Jedao and Nidana arguing about the sesame seeds, and Ro ignoring them both.
no subject
Date: 2018-08-25 09:00 pm (UTC)He thinks about steamed eggs, the shadows of the words. A childhood on a farm. A brother cooking, a family that's only memory.
"I'm sorry." He's sincere in sentiment, even if the reason is lost in his jumbled thoughts.
no subject
Date: 2018-09-03 04:49 am (UTC)"There'll be enough crackers when you wake up again. I promise."
no subject
Date: 2018-09-08 05:38 pm (UTC)And that's a good thought to fade away on, even if it can't keep the nightmares away. He can't quite grant trust, but at least it can be true within parameters.